Out of Madness
by EventHorizon6
Summary: Gordon Freeman's life is an ever messy business, which he is forced to dive deeper into every day. But with the help of friends and the desire to save the human race, he and Alyx might yet find their way out of the madness. Series of one-shots.
1. Laughter

**Out of Madness**

_**1. Laughter**_

Emotion had never been one of Gordon's fortes. Perhaps at one point there were moments when he had a lot to say, when he was a student, eager to make a name for himself, eager for his voice to be heard. How appropriate that the name he had made for himself was the One Free Man, the resistance figure. And now he didn't have much to talk about at all. His face was a stoic expression, his sharp green eyes burning into anyone who crossed his path. He did feel, still, after all that happened. There were moments when he could feel curiosity, distress, but there was little room for pleasure. After all he had witnessed, there was no room for smiles and small talk, jokes and competitions with Barney.

He admired his remaining close friends from Black Mesa, how they still managed to retain some optimism in a world that had been smothered and choked, lulled into a dead sleep.

Until Gordon had awoken from stasis.

The rebellion was rising, thanks to Gordon's dramatic reappearance and instigation into devastating so many combine bases. People looked at him like he was a legend, and it made Gordon uncomfortable. Instead he had opted for silence. Silence never harmed anyone. Silence did not prompt you to speak gospel for awaiting ears to discern what you meant. Silence was silence. His indifferent attitude he often emitted gave him the strength to continue. It kept his enemies from seeing his emotional weaknesses, it kept humanity from expecting miracles.

But there were times when Gordon just did not want to amass his face into one of a stone-cold killer. True, he had never been good with speaking out loud his thoughts and feelings, and the conversations he had had at Black Mesa had been brief, except for those of whom he was most comfortable with, preferably Barney. But after every swing of the crowbar, after every discharge of a gun, he realized that it was difficult to speak in such outrageous circumstances.

And he had become so used to keeping his face blank, unreadable, it was a natural habit for him to slip into, but there were times, yes there were times, when Gordon found himself smiling. Those moments were often shared with Alyx Vance, his companion through most of his life or death situations. He didn't smile much anymore. He couldn't find a lot to smile about, but the silly jokes Alyx sometimes teased him with, the small comfortable gestures of friendship, brought about the small curvature of his lips as he strained to portray fundamental human emotion.

Alyx, herself, relished the moments when she could get Gordon to smile. He barely spoke, even to her, but the farther they traveled together, the more soldiers and battles they fought, keeping close to each other to protect the other from harm, made her realize Gordon was beginning to crack. She would watch him sometimes out of the corner of her eye as they rested at a rebel base, as they walked through a deserted town, or she had to keep an eye on him via Combine monitor.

That particular day, they were approaching a rebel outpost in the deep of White Forest on foot. Magnusson thought it was best if they did something 'useful' with themselves while the real scientists did their work. This, of course, rubbed Gordon the wrong way on so many levels. The moment he had entered the room Magnusson was in, it was clear the two of them would not be getting along. Ever. Although Eli and Kleiner had been eager to have Gordon on their team, they both agreed perhaps it was best if he and Alyx stepped out for a bit. Magnusson had been stretched thin lately. They promised Gordon he would have his chance as soon as he got back and Magnusson had let off steam. If he could even vent enough steam to begin with.

Internally Gordon fumed. Was that all he was good for now? Just a killing tank to go blow up some combine? Despite all that had happened it didn't change the fact that he was a theoretical physicist and a damn good one, if he said so himself. Just because he had to shoot down every godforsaken zombie, headcrab, antlion, and Overwatch soldier to endure, did not mean he was no longer a scientist. He was just a scientist with serious survival issues now.

And a whole lot of bad luck.

"Looks like we're coming up upon the base," Alyx said as she stopped in her jog to pull out her GPS locater at her belt. She tapped some buttons on it before putting it away and turning around to face Gordon with a smile on her lips. "Let's go see if we can – Gordon?" she stopped, realizing Gordon wasn't looking at her. He was staring off into the trees, his face a wall to hide all emotion, but she had learned how to read him, even with his monotonous expression. She could see it in his eyes. At her prompt, he turned to face her, but instead of a small sign of acknowledgment as he often gave her to let Alyx know he did value her presence and opinion, he walked past her, taking the lead.

Let's get this over with, Gordon thought. He was in no mood to be around a bunch of rebels who revered him like some sort of idol, and no doubt they would be in trouble. The distress signal had come in early that morning, though it was difficult to hear over the radio's scratchy frequency. He was sure that as soon as he entered the encampment he'd have his own squadron squawking out phrases like, "Dr. Freeman! I'm coming with you!"

He wasn't sure he wanted them with him. They were good for backup and of course he did not want to see them killed, but sometimes Gordon didn't want the rebels with him. He wanted Alyx. Only Alyx. She was bearable, but more than that she was beaut-

Gordon stopped himself from thinking that, rather surprised at where his subconscious line of thought was taking him. No, he didn't…of course not…he just…Gordon fumbled, realizing that even when all of it was in his head he still stuttered or choked on his words. He glanced at Alyx who had caught up to his side, and gave her a small smile as if to apologize for his rude behavior earlier.

She was his friend.

Just a friend.

"It's alright. Magnusson can get on everyone's nerves," she chuckled before putting a hand on his arm to pull him to a stop. Gordon looked at her, curiously. "Listen, Gordon," she began, tucking a loose strand of her jet black hair behind her ear. "I know that lately things haven't really been easy for you."

Gordon's eyebrows twitched upward in the slightest. No, things had not been very easy for him lately. In fact, things hadn't been easy for him for the past twenty years, but he didn't say this to Alyx.

"I just want to say that I'm glad I get to work with you. I've got your back," she smiled, putting her hands on her hips. Gordon was a tad disappointed. Was that all it was to her? Just a job and they were 'working' together? He felt like some sick clean-up crew that had to go chase away the monsters for everyone. Gordon slipped back into his hardened expression once again making Alyx fear she had said something wrong. He started to walk again when she stopped him once more. "Sorry, what I'm trying to say Gordon is that you're not just a squaddie to me. You're more than that. I'm just glad I got to meet you," she cleared her throat, looking slightly embarrassed.

Again, Gordon couldn't keep the surprise from creeping across his face. It was rare that Alyx expressed her affection toward him. They were often too busy fighting back to back against life-threatening conditions to have time for emotional talks. There were the occasional moments when she would exclaim her delight at seeing him again after they had been separated and then she'd look awkwardly at her feet, or try to backpedal by explaining the current dire situation. However, in the beautiful White Forest, where the landscape was still and quiet, they were allowed to catch their breaths and think about the person beside them.

This time his face did crack into a genuine smile. He started to reach out to her, to put a hand on her shoulder, but he thought better of it. Was that the sort of thing people did in these situations? Gordon wasn't sure. He kept his arms at his sides as he nodded his head as if to say, 'come on'. As they walked, Gordon seemed to be in higher spirits. Alyx could no longer see the irritation smoldering behind his piercing green eyes. Instead there was something else, something unidentifiable. His face appeared more relaxed as it always did when they were on missions together. She decided to break the silence again as they kept a steady path toward the rebel base not far ahead.

"Magnusson though, listen, I know it's not good for me to talk about people behind their backs, but, did he really name his device after himself?" she snickered as Gordon cracked another grin, looking her way. "He really is full of himself, isn't he?" she smirked as Gordon released his own breathy laugh. It was then that he realized something. He was laughing. Alyx had made him laugh. Alyx realized this too, for she continued making jokes about Magnusson, pleased that Gordon's tough façade had gone for the moment at least.

Gordon had not laughed in a long time. He couldn't remember a time when he had felt this warm. Thanks to Alyx, perhaps he was starting to remember what it meant to be human, to feel an emotion called 'happiness' that had nothing to do with anger, or fear, or confusion. It was a good feeling. As always, though, the feeling began to ebb, especially when Alyx announced they were closing in on the outskirts of the base. Gordon let the last of the feeling linger in his stomach before it slipped away and Alyx drew her pistol. The sounds of gunfire echoed from up ahead.

"Ready, MIT Man?" she teased as Gordon removed the pulse rifle from its place across his back. Nodding, he gave her another small grin that let Alyx know the party was about to get started, and as he ran the last of the way with Alyx to find the mayhem that was gathering around them, Gordon knew this time he was ready.

**A/N: Hey, dear readers! I just recently discovered my long lost affinity for Half Life again as I was playing through Half Life 2. Started wanting to write some stories based on a prompt list I found on the internet. I don't know if I'm all that good at writing about Gordon and Alyx, but I do enjoy doing it so I shall continue for the time being at least. **

**Anyway, as I was browsing internet junk when I realized: "Wow, I totally ship Gordon/Alyx now" but I don't want to write about any kisses or such, I like to focus on their friendship more because that's how Valve seemed to set up their relationship. **

**Well, hope you guys enjoy. More to come soon, thanks for reading! **


	2. Quiet

**_2__. Quiet_**

It was quiet, Gordon realized. Very quiet. He didn't like it. He was used to noises all around him all the time – a majority of them allowing him to sense if danger was near. He was straining to hear something rather than the nothingness that rang in his ears more than any scream or explosion ever would. It wasn't just the lack of common sound that bothered him. It was the ability for his thoughts and emotions to catch up with him.

All of the words from fellow rebels battered around in his mind. All of the cries of terror, all of the combine's poisonous radio feedback. Most of all the silence let him linger on emotions he would rather not be having at that moment.

He thought about Alyx, in some other part of the complex, catching some z's before tomorrow's troubling day arose. As Gordon lay on his back, his body relieved of his HEV suit for the night, he slipped into reminiscing about all the encounters he'd shared with her throughout the day. It was nice to know someone was watching his back. He had not had anyone like that back at Black Mesa. It didn't hurt that Alyx was a very capable female, not that the idea of there being a capable woman was surprising, just that Gordon had never had many close relationships with the opposite gender in his life – whether it was platonic or otherwise. Barney had been his only true friend for as long as he could remember.

Gordon cursed himself for thinking anything could ever happen between him and Alyx. There was no time to dwell on thoughts like that, besides, how would he even go about attacking such a feat? Walk up and ask her if she wanted to grab coffee sometime? Gordon snorted. He couldn't afford to get involved with anyone at the moment, especially because of –

Gordon swallowed back his apprehension that began to build in his throat. He didn't want to think about that now. He didn't know what forces in the universe were controlling him, but he was being watched, by the man in the pale suit for one, but there may be others out there taking an eager interest in him as well. The man had mentioned 'employers'. If he mentioned any of that to Barney, to Alyx, to Dr. Kleiner, he didn't want to think about what it could mean for them. He didn't want to see them get hurt. In a world that had been ripped from his fingertips, he did not want to see the people he most cared about in pain. It had been hard enough watching the Hunter's mandibles pierce Alyx. He had been helpless then, and angry and very, very afraid.

He didn't want to go through that again.

Gordon sighed as he sat up on his beaten down mattress and reached to grab his lab coat hanging over the iron headboard. There was no use sleeping. It was too quiet, and his mind kept wandering to terrible things. He figured he might wander around the labs, poke around, see if he could be of some assistance. As he left his bunker to head toward the rocket chamber he realized he might see Magnusson there. That thought did not comfort him. He had no desire to seek out the impertinent man at such a late hour only to hear him prattle off about Gordon getting in the way or wasting his time to rest.

Instead, Gordon made a snap decision. He veered down a separate passage way, passing one of the night watchmen on duty heading in the opposite direction.

"Dr. Freeman," the man greeted before moving on. Gordon was happy his quest to find the canteen was not sidetracked. After a few more twists and turns he found himself in the kitchens. The lights were dimmed here, all of the pots and pans put away, ready to be used for the breakfast meal. His shoes made quiet taps on the tile floor as he approached the counter and began opening cupboards in hopes he might be able to find something to drink besides the metallic faucet water. As he was rummaging through a canister with a strange powdery substance inside, a voice caught his attention.

"Gordon?"

Gordon looked up, turning to find Alyx leaning against one of the tables in the center of the room. He had been so absorbed in his thoughts he had failed to notice her. She smirked at his surprised expression.

"Couldn't sleep either, huh?" she sighed, rubbing her arm absentmindedly. Gordon gave a slight nod in response, as she gestured to the empty seat across from her. "Here, I'll get you a drink," she chuckled, moving to the counter and fixing him a mug of hot…something which she then passed to him and sat down again, her own mug settled in front of her. Gordon was grateful for the hot beverage and for Alyx's company. They didn't say much for a while, just enjoying their drinks. It was quiet. Too quiet, but for once Gordon didn't mind. It was comfortable. Both of them were lost in their own thoughts and there was no reason for interruptions. Just the presence of the other helped ease the lurid wails and memories banging on boxes in their minds.

"I don't see you out of your HEV suit too often," Alyx chuckled at last, deciding to break the silence. Gordon gave her a small smile and took another sip of his drink. It made his stomach feel warm and fuzzy, or maybe that was because of Alyx. Drinks didn't often make him feel this way. "Been a while since we've been able to rest, and I know I should, but I just…" Alyx rubbed her face and broke off, giving Gordon an awkward smile as if realizing she had said too much. She looked back down at her drink and Gordon sat there, his brow furrowed in thought.

He could understand what she meant. If it wasn't the nightmares, it was the silence that nudged Gordon awake at night. He had never been good at saying anything, and instead reached his hand across the table to rest over hers. She was startled out of her thoughts at the small comforting gesture as she turned her hand over to grip his more firmly. For once his hands weren't covered in the HEV suit gloves. They were bare and sturdy, not nearly as calloused as she would have supposed after all his weapon handling. Most importantly, they were warm, and Alyx sat there a long time in silence with him as they both ignored their drinks and lost themselves in their thoughts.

Gordon's thumb was running over the back of her hand and she was glad for his presence. She had long ago begun to understand that when you stood at Gordon's side, you were physically unscathed, but your mentality was ruptured. Now she felt as if they were two buildings, leaning against each other for support so the opposite would not collapse. Gordon was feeling the same way as he stared down into the dark liquid in his cup. It wasn't coffee. It was probably some substance the combine had concocted to nourish the remaining human race.

He looked at Alyx, his eyes glancing upward rather sharply. He thought back to his earlier thoughts about what it might be like if the world were normal? Would he have the knack to ask her to go get coffee? Would he even be able to speak? It was then that Gordon realized, perhaps he was able to spend mutual time with Alyx because of the silence. They did not have to speak to convey their feelings. Out of war and threat their friendship was born, and out of quiet reserve it would withstand. At last Alyx squeezed Gordon's hand and stood up, looking weary.

"I better get some rest before tomorrow. You should try too, Gordon. I'll see you in the morning," she smiled, withdrawing her hand and heading for the kitchen's door. Gordon's shoulders sagged in the slightest at her retreat. He didn't want her to leave. He couldn't face the night terrors without her. He closed his hand up into a fist and stared hard at the table when Alyx's voice caught his attention once again.

"Hey, Gordon," she stopped, rubbing her neck as Gordon looked up again. "Thanks. We should do this more often." Then she left leaving Gordon behind in the kitchen, a small smile gracing his lips as he stood up and wandered back to his bunker. Lying down, he set his glasses on the bedside table and closed his eyes. Maybe he would have something else to think about at least for the night.

**A/N: Well, here is another short drabble. I feel like I'm focusing most on Alyx and Gordon's relationship, but again I don't want to focus on making it too heavy with romanticism. Soooo, didn't know exactly what to write for this prompt, but here ya go!**

**Special thanks goes to: SweetBrownie**

**Thanks a lot for reading!**


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